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Stranger to My Own Heart I don't know about the rest of you raised in The Church, whatever that may mean to you, but I learned something there besides the books of the Bible. I learned to abandon my own heart. I learned to do this as I gave my heart to Jesus (He still has it; that part was okay), when I was also told--presumably by way of helping me not to rely on some religious high or momentary fervor-- that feelings did not matter. Furthermore, IF I should happen to experience some feelings about God or salvation, well, that would be nice, but don't count on it. And NEVER, never rely on or expect it. Yikes! It's like saying, "Yes, when you get married, you may feel love, but don't count on it as a sign of being married. If you have feelings, you should be very suspicious. You're still married even if you have no feelings. The certificate says so. So enjoy!" Those of us who have been married realize this can be true at times, even in a good marriage. But surely many of us also have come to realize that if you have no feelings, you are in deep, deep doo-doo. To help keep us from wavering in our faith, to keep from being "confused" or "misled" by feelings, we were instructed to examine these urgings closely and to be very wary of them, remembering that what we heard inside could very well be the siren song of our own sin, or, God forbid, the voice of evil, the enemy, Satan. Now there was some slight chance that it might be the voice of, gulp, God, but that was up for debate at any time, so don't get too comfortable. We were told to keep our noses in The Book, not an unworthy objective in itself, but the result was to keep our hearts from ourselves and ultimately, from intimacy with the Jesus we wanted and needed. And we always thought there must be something wrong with us when we felt dry and empty. That is tragic. And dangerous. If I cannot know and feel my own heart and its desires, how am I to know when God, as He promises those who commit to Him, gives to me the desires of my heart? Besides, if all the desires are suspect and likely either foolish or wicked, why would He want to fulfill those nasty things in the first place. It is tragic to think that God made me wonderfully, marvelously and He says so in The Book (which is important to know), yet in seeking to follow Him, I was (and you were?) taught to disregard my heart, my inner being, the soul that He Himself gave me! God wants my heart, but I can't go there to be with Him? What a tragic love story for the lover as well as the beloved. To never really know, down deep, that I am loved desperately, passionately, Just As I Am. The same Bible I read back then still says today that we love Him because He loved us first. That ought to be very good news. Too bad some folks tell seekers that they'll have to live without their feelings (last I checked, love definitely involves feelings) and just love God anyway, that this is "the way of faith." Sounds like these advisers have not been reading The Book they prescribed to me. Consider this: If I don't live in and from my heart, just what is going on in there? Is God roaming around waiting for my return? Did He give me the new heart he promised just to have me leave and endure the isolation from Him and from my core? What I mean to say is, if I am not there, who's at the center? If Jesus came for me, what am I doing living (or pretending to) everywhere but inside, where He is--or wants to be? I think that is a blasphemous teaching. Yep, blasphemous. The Book says that those who cause a little one to stumble might just as well go ahead and tie a rock around their own neck and take a short walk off a long pier. That's how disgusted God is with those who keep His little ones from His presence. If a teaching to avoid and fear your own heart is not causing those hearts who seek Him to stumble and even to fall (often away), then we might as well leave love out of the picture from the get-go and just try to work our way through life, hoping for the best, taking a gamble on eternity, sucking it up till then. Troubles and wounds and heartaches come to us all; we are human and we need God. If, in our woundedness and needing, we cannot, under those old rules, come "home" to our own hearts, then we must somehow find a rule somewhere to hold onto until the need subsides (or dies?). Quote a fact. Find a line somewhere about hanging on till He comes. Well, here's the news (she said to her heart): He HAS COME! He is RIGHT HERE and I AM THE ONE WHO IS MISSING! Scuse me, I gotta go home. |
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welcome to the land of blogs, thanks for sharing, cheers May the Lord bless you and keep you
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9/9/2008 3:57 pm |
Welcome  Lord, keep one hand on my shoulder and one hand over my mouth!
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9/21/2008 2:18 pm |
Thank you to everyone who stops in to read and/or share. I appreciate your company and your comments, especially since I'm relatively new here and have just started writing about some of these things. God has kept us alive for His good purposes, and as we finish In Him, we finish well! Big Big Blessings, Elizabeth
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Great 1st blog. Glad to have you blogging with us. Blessings, Michael Christianity for Dummies Chapter 4 Go to Church Christianity for Dummies Chapter 3 Sin and Repentence Christianity for Dummies Chapter 2 Salvation Christianity for Dummies Prologue and Chapter 1 Praying In the Heat of the Night Testimony Chapter 4 Judging and Gossiping , Commitment and Covenant For All Part 15, 16 and End Commitment and Covenant For All Part 13 and 14 , Commitment and Covenant For Men Part 11 and 12 Commitment and Covenant For Men Part 9 and 10 , Commitment and Covenant For Women Part 8 Commitment and Covenant For Women Part 7 , Commitment and Covenant For Women Part 5 6 Commitment and Covenant Relationships Part 4 , Commitment and Covenant Relationships Part 3 Commitment and Covenant Relationships Part 1 2 , Walk the Walk Self Esteemand the 8Cow Wife , I am a Christianx2026So What Now Communicating According to the Scriptures , Friend vs Spouse Christ in the cells of our body , The LoveHate list
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9/30/2008 5:23 pm |
I tell you what, I think have benefited greatly, personally just from writing this, getting it out in words (I'd say on paper, but...). I had spoken to friends about my frustration in overcoming this "condition" several years ago, but I'm feeling pretty happy about seeing it and re-stating it--because it is still So True and rarely spoken. Elizabeth
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