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How To Tell If A Fly Is Male Or Female 6/28/2007
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?"
She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
0 Comments, 10 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score |
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Will The Real Bride Please Stand Up! 6/20/2007
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my , "
said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY , " said
the other. And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword, " said Solomon,
"and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall
receive a half." "Sounds good to me, " ...
2 Comments, 39 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score |
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The Ten Commandments of Marriage 6/15/2007
Commandment 1.Marriages are made in heaven. But, so again,
are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand and divorce is at least
100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the
first year of marriage, the man speaks and the ...
6 Comments, 141 Views,
10 Votes
,4.18 Score |
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Two Old Guys 6/14/2007
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart When
they collide. The first old guy says to the Second guy, "Sorry
about that. I'm looking for my Wife, and I guess I wasn't
paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's
a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't
find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, ...
1 Comments, 26 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score |
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A Letter To Dad 6/14/2007
Dear Dad: In answer to the questions you have asked over the years:
1. Yes, I thought we owned the electric company. 2. I don't know what the heck I thought I was doing. 3. Yes, I actually did think you were made of money.
Happy Fathers Day, Your
2 Comments, 29 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score |
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Gutted 6/11/2007
Don't you just hate it when you write to someone every
day for 4 or 5 months and you think this is your soul mate and
then they ask for money then it dawns on you, this person
that you thought was your soul mate was only someone that
was only interested in your money and not you. That's
what happen to me when I met Luccig002, she even gave me her
bank details. I never wrote to her after that or ...
0 Comments, 25 Views,
0 Votes
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Drunks 5/14/2007
Two drunks sat on the shore watching a surfer. and discussed.
1:"That must be difficult, don´t you think?"
2:"It might be" 1:"Looks like he´s gonna fall!" 2:"Yeah..it might be" 1:"Oh look, he fell, should we help him?" 2:"Might be a good idea"
So, No 1 took a swim, brought the guy to shore.
1:"He´s not moving, should i give him mouth to mouth
? 2:"Might be" So he did few ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
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Young priest 5/14/2007
A young preast was speaking for the first time in church,
His teacher was listening carefully, looking a bit concernd
time to time. Finally, the young preast came to his teacher
gloving of pride. "It went great..right"?
"Well my ..it was good, but let me correct few things
here. First, Jesus was not shot, allright ? second, it is
AMEN not cheers. For the third, i suggest you walk the stairs
down, ...
0 Comments, 126 Views,
9 Votes
,2.78 Score |
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Aeroflot 5/14/2007
Aeroflot must be announced as an holy company..everyone
prays onboard.
0 Comments, 6 Views,
0 Votes
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Bishops visit 5/14/2007
This really happened.
It was a sunny sunday, people waited silently in church,
It was a glorious moment for that little community, Bishop
was about to speak any moment now. And finally he appears
with all that majestic clothing, people could hardly breathe..suddenly..a
little childs voice echoing "Jeiiii, batmaaan !!
0 Comments, 68 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score |
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Revenge 5/10/2007
A sourcerer walked across the bridge of seven blacksmithstatues
and thought "what good deed would i do today".
She looked at the seven statues and got it ! "those
poor guys have been standing there for 300 years..i think
they deserve a day off". So she did her magick and poof..seven
guys got running in all directions. Sourcerer wondered
what they might do first, after standing still for so long ...
1 Comments, 27 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score |
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Just A Weeeeeee Bit 4/20/2007
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility
to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful
beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect
woman. Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for ...
3 Comments, 215 Views,
17 Votes
,5.81 Score |
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Science has replaced God? 3/29/2007
The scientific community decided that with all the advances
in science and medicine, God was no longer needed. So, a
representative was sent to inform God that His services
were no longer needed.
At the meeting the rep explained to God that with the advancement
of medicine and the sciences ( test tube babies, cloning,
etc) God was free to remove His services from this earth.
God took ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
15 Votes
,4.97 Score |
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Take your pick, Heaven or Hell 3/20/2007
A politician died and was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.
St Peter said, I am not sure what to do with you as we don't
normally get your kind here. Is heaven where you want to
spend eternity?" The politician asked "What
are my options?" St.Peter told him if he wanted he
could spend a day in heaven and a day in hell and then decide
were he would rather go. So the politician took him up ...
1 Comments, 224 Views,
27 Votes
,5.13 Score |
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Germination 3/9/2007
Sooo... I was teaching the busy 9 year old boy about the life
cycle of a plant. We covered the parts of the plant, pollination
and seeds. It seemed like he was listening but he kept bouncing
around and interrupting me.
We had a book and some seeds and dirt. The object was to understand
the process and then observe it. As I stood there with the
seeds in my hand, I explained that seeds develop ...
1 Comments, 100 Views,
10 Votes
,2.99 Score |
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HE-BREWS... 3/4/2007
WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around
here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just
wait for my coffee." Wife replies, ...
3 Comments, 173 Views,
22 Votes
,4.69 Score |
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On The Lighter Side 2/15/2007
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather
sad. She told her mother, "roger proposed to me an
hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her
mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't
even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied,
"Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll
show him just how wrong he is."
2 Comments, 253 Views,
24 Votes
,4.04 Score |
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Drunks 2/9/2007
A minister went down to the corner bar and would talk to people
as they came out- "Brother, Do you want to go to heaven?
Sister, do you want to go to heaven? Step right over here."
One particularly drunk man staggered out of the bar. "Brother,
Do you want to go to heaven? "
the minster asked. The drunk looked at him for a bit, then
said "No!"
The minister, ...
2 Comments, 172 Views,
20 Votes
,5.55 Score |
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JESUS BUMPER STICKER 2/4/2007
JESUS BUMPER STICKER
The other day I went to the local religious book store and
I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm
really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost
in thought about the Lord, ...
5 Comments, 231 Views,
20 Votes
,4.53 Score |
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women rulers 1/30/2007
One day, there was a catastrophic event which caused all
living creatures on earth to die. To sort things out, everyone
went to heaven. God approaches and says, "I want the
men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their
women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled
by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
...
2 Comments, 250 Views,
25 Votes
,6.45 Score |
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Indian Chief 1/25/2007
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked
their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold
or mild. He had never been taught the old secrets. When he
looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter
was going to be like.
To be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should ...
2 Comments, 121 Views,
14 Votes
,6.66 Score |
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Teeth 1/23/2007
An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and
ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich
in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully
sat and watched.
The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other
customers began to notice. Finally one helpful person
offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was rejected
with the ...
2 Comments, 263 Views,
30 Votes
,5.79 Score |
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Flying Blind 1/20/2007
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial
airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show
up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane,
and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane,
bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles ...
2 Comments, 214 Views,
23 Votes
,5.23 Score |
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Sailor and the Pirate 1/20/2007
The sailor & the pirate
.
This sailor met a pirate in a bar, and the sailor couldn't
help but notice that the pirate was pretty badly - the worse
for wear. He's had a peg leg, and a hook, and an eye patch.
So the sailor asked the pirate how he got the peg leg and the
pirate answered, "Well, matey, I got washed overboard
one night while we was in a fierce storm. An' ...
2 Comments, 139 Views,
21 Votes
,5.48 Score |
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Monastery Secrets 1/19/2007
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, my
car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even
fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound
was, but they say, We can't tell ...
2 Comments, 68 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score |
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Out of the mouths of babes. 1/15/2007
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
Classroom. The teacher was going to explain
Evolution to the . The teacher asked
A little boy: Tommy do you see the tree Outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass Outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see
If you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He ...
0 Comments, 53 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score |
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One Liners 1/13/2007
Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to
go on.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will
learn a lot today.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
. I ...
0 Comments, 55 Views,
10 Votes
,5.38 Score |
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Is this what I have to look forward to? 1/5/2007
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,
hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel,
smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well
looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders
a drink, takes a sip, turns to ...
3 Comments, 105 Views,
16 Votes
,3.86 Score |
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Starting, Stopping, and Starting Over 12/24/2006
It's funny when you think about what we go through to
find a connection with someone. If we desire to find a person,
we don't find them. If we don't want someone in
our life at a particular moment in time, there is an abundance
of people who want to go out with us. So when we don't
look we find and this seems to run contrary to Seek Ye First...or
does it?
What I have started to ...
2 Comments, 114 Views,
12 Votes
,5.98 Score |
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Jonah in the Whale 12/19/2006
A teacher was instructing a 2nd grade class on Bible passages.
In discussing Jonah, the teacher stated that it was actually
impossible for a man to survive in the belly of a whale.
Upon hearing this, little Billy told the teacher, "When
I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah if he really was swallowed
up into the belly of a whale".
The teacher decided to play "devil's ...
0 Comments, 51 Views,
12 Votes
,4.39 Score |
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