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Musings on Turning 57. This may get long. I’m gonna be 57 in a few days. Years ago I reached a point where I’m confronted with the fact of my own mortality. But I don’t care to think about it from that standpoint anymore. If I’m getting closer to death, I’d like to think about what I’ve learned from life so far. I’ve learned that we all are heroes sometimes, and other times we r jerks. I’ve learned that I’ll never get all the answers to everything in this lifetime. Big one here: I”ve learned I”m nothing special. Was a hard pill to swallow for me. I had a big ego. But I suppose it was born out of insecurity. I was seeking validation. I wanted to prove I had a right to exist. I figured if I was rich enough, had a beautiful wife, was recognized in my field, had a status home, etc, that would prove I had a right to exist. But I was seeking my validation from people. They can only validate us temporarily at best. Glad about one thing. 57 years old and been a Christian for 57 of those years. I don’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t a believer. God made it easier on me than He does for a lot of folks. I didn’t have to learn or unlearn any other way. Sure, when I became a young man, I had some doubts, but God always helped me thru them. And I admit that I’m often still confronted with doubts. But He still helps me thru them. My Christian development came in stages tho. Some aspects of it took decades to develop. I was always a believer, but for most of my life I kept trying to be in charge of my life, instead of letting God be the driver. I had a lot of Christian knowledge but not enough Christian wisdom. 12 or 13 years ago, I reached a low point and it finally struck me that I hadn’t fully surrendered to God.. Much of my “lowness” was due to my own attitude about the things in life that I’d lost or was losing. Now, I think God was taking some things away from me so I’d grow in the long run. I didn’t see that at the time tho. I have to laugh at myself when I look back on this and other “low” points in my life. Cause now I can see that God was really making my life pretty easy. I was the one making it miserable by my fretting about it. Many other people had it much rougher than me. Overall that depressive phase was one of the best things that could ever happen to me. Ultimately when I woke up in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt, I felt a major compulsion to find out why God had kept me here. I started searching deeply into my faith, its history, theology, etc. I read and studied voraciously for a long time. Some of you old timers in BigChurch might remember how I was and some of the questions I was asking back then. Tho I never fully got complete answers to every question I had. Over that period of time (up until about 2 years ago) I was engrossed in my studies. I learned a ton of theology and Christian history, history of the Bible, and the Bible too. BigChurch, and all my dear friends there helped me. I learned little in the way of theology from them, but the fellowship I received in the chatrooms helped keep me searching. It also reminded me that the Faith is more than just an academic exercise. Without that fellowship, I think I’d have become an educated but mindless automaton. I had a formal education before I ever started chatting in BC. BS in psychology and 2 years of law school. I seldom use any of that knowledge but overall I think in the process of getting that education I learned HOW to learn a topic. I don’t get a degree to hang on my wall, but for some things, like theology, I can keep up with the experts. Interesting thing I learned about theology, was that there are so many different views by so many wise and learned people, that I don’t believe any of us can have it all figured out in this lifetime. Now, I know better than to trust either the integrity or judgment of anyone claiming they have all the answers. On most issues I have what I call “leanings” but I seldom take a hard stance on anything that has nothing to do with salvation. I’m trusting in Jesus and God’s grace for that. Other people can fight over the other stuff if they want. (I just have little patience for anyone trying to correct me on things that are subjective and personal. Or for that matter, anyone who tries to force me to adopt their points of view.) Couple years ago, I satisfied my curiosities about theology. My faith in God and my relationship with Him had grown a lot and continues to grow. I just lost interest in studying any more. (I still like to share views with others tho I don’t care if anyone agrees with me.) When my interest in theology waned, I took up an old interest in music. I’ve been having a blast with it ever since. I’ve prayed about it a lot, but the only sense I get from God is that He wants me doing it for my own enjoyment. Still, occasionally I like to try to inject some of my faith into my music. Nowadays, I spend a lot of time in meditation. Usually while I’m drifting off to sleep. At those times, I pray and ask the Lord to take over my thinking processes. Then I try to stay quiet and just listen to where God leads me. Not sure why, but this has become one of my favorite pastimes. But I believe God speaks to me at those times. He lets me know how I’ve screwed up or how I’ve done well. I wouldn’t say this makes me a prophet. I think anybody can hear God speak to them if they remember to listen. One of the wisest things I’ve learned in my life, was the ability to say “I don’t know” when it was appropriate to do so. And also to accept living in a world where I’m just not gonna get an answer to every question. I can talk on a lot of Christian topics, and explain a lot of definitions and various positions, but I can’t tell anyone which is THE correct position to take on most of them. I think I mentioned that I have little patience for those who think they can. Still, I like sometimes to help people in their search, to find the answers that are best for themselves. I never “tell” them what to think. I just try to offer various viewpoints and let them decide for themselves. I’ve also learned that it is impossible to hug your often enough. |
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Wow! Ty HS and Sienna! I didn't think of it as a testimony. But I suppose it has those characteristics. I really figured it would sound more like something Andy Rooney might have written. lOL But thank you very much for reading. I really don't think a lot of ppl will, and I can't blame them. The reason I mentioned in the title that it was likely to get long was to warn ppl. I know I dont' usually read the long wordy stuff, so I don't blame others if they dont' care to. I'm complimented that u guys did. GBU
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Congrats Hopein! TY!!
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1/19/2012 4:35 am |
Happy Birthday Gavin!!! Loved This Blog!!!!
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TY Racefan and Glory!
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1/19/2012 6:49 pm |
great blog 
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TY Rocky
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Jaci, TY very much for ur kind words! I originally figured this blog would get lengthy, so that's why I mentioned it in the title. I understand why many ppl don't care to read the long ones. I wanted ppl to be able to avoid it easily from the start if they weren't in the mood to read a long one. And I think u'r right. I'm in a stage where I recount a lot of my life. It turned out vastly different than I'd always planned, but overall I'm very happy and blessed by God. In fact, I bet if I'd been more successful with the plans I had made, I probably wouldn't have ended up in such a contented state. For me, life is better when God is in the driver's seat. I do still wish I could go back and hug my kids more.
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