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God, I want to be Beautiful This post is only viewable by Zen Friendfinder members. Join Zen Friendfinder now! |
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Folks, as boring as my drivel may be, I need to document things, and I'm doing it from memory... to also commit to memory such things that I mustn't forget. I haven't talked about this man and the particular website situation to anyone, but last night what I did was video recorded my plight on my iPhone. I simply talked at it as if I were talking to a friend. And it was most revealing to watch back, seeing my discomfort, even tears, over someone whom I allowed to mess with my head. And saying this again keeps me accountable. I don't plan to go back onto that site, unless it's to acquire what I wrote for safekeeping on cloud, perhaps. Why do we women suffer pain over men? I'm grateful to be a Christian, because I can allow Jesus to intervene. Please pray for me, as I'm needing strength to stick with my recent man decision. Thank you.
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...and, the longer I stay away from that site, although I've gone on there a couple of times, the more I see how I was allowing myself to be treated a certain way. What I must examine is why I would be drawn to someone who could potentially be dangerous. I guess I thought he had his act together initially, but as things became more familiar, one thing... I will not tolerate denigrating comments about women. He has made these generalizations that are now cumulative, and though possibly not intended to be personal toward me, I take them that way to the point that I want less to do with him as I continue to stay away, avoid. I prayed to God about him, the site in question, and the administrator of it too. I'm on a daily basis leaving this in God's capable hands, which surprisingly has freed me up to get some necessary things done. I've had business back-burnered regarding my new vehicle and now I'm all caught up. It tells me that God wants me to see that it's not a bad thing to endeavor to have a somewhat seamless, happy life. I'm too old to be tussling with a grouchy man anyway; if he isn't nice, then he's got to go.
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Dear Lord, there are a couple of things I need to relinquish to You on a daily basis. Without stating them, You know what they are. Please help me to spend my time in a way that at the end of any day, I can say I accomplished things and not detracted from them. I pray that I may be kinder to people in general. I'm pretty reclusive and not one to socialize much any longer. I do love my privacy and space, and am fortunate to be able to languish at times, praise God. I pray for my love interest from whom I don't as yet have Your stamp of approval. I will avoid until I get a green light from You; and, only then will I decide to go forth, or continue to wait on You. In the name of Yeshua I petition, that is in Jesus' name, Amen.
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I'm not saying it's going to happen, but once you dont need a man you might just find one. God bless. Judgement Day will be interesting.
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I'm not saying it's going to happen, but once you dont need a man you might just find one. God bless. Yes, desperation is not a good look when a true woman is wanting a man. Prayer, the more sedate option to fantasy, is the perfect equalizer. Meaning, when I yearn for this one person whom I inherently know is not good for me, I pray, and the Lord helps to balance things out. God is the most wonderful "parent" in that way. He shows me what to do in prayer, whether I squawk about it or not! Still, remaining in God's will has proven to be the better option. In other words, I've fallen in love with the wrong person. My body, heart and mind tend to betray me! *God, continue to provide me with discernment.*
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Further to what Urban said about a gal finding a man when not looking, the thing is... I wasn't looking. I merely spent time on a site where there happened to be mostly men, and I will say the site is very conservative. That was the draw for me, as I'm also a conservative, white Christian single woman, and the state of affairs in America has me concerned. I needed a place to vent, and they accepted me with open arms, initially. After about 2.5 years of being on the site, I found myself attracted to a man, and I'm fairly sure that he was to me, although he had trouble admitting it because of some loyalty to the place. I mean these guys are tough, some are licensed gun owners, yet they unfortunately share low opinions of women. So there I was, writing about my life, and one man in particular began direct messaging me. My feelings for him evolved, I wanted to be his friend at least. I waited for him to open up some more, excruciating. Until now. The confusing part of this man's behavior is he'd portray himself one way on the site for the benefit of the guys... and then direct message me on the sly. I prayed for weeks this person would come forth and personally admit how he felt about me. I wanted him to take initiative and that never happened, so here we are. But yesterday I got up the nerve to make a comment about off-topic posts in someone's thread, and that became insulting to a handful of males. The man who would direct message me on the sly also commented in the thread, in his cryptic fashion. It then dawned on me that he's mixed up about women... and avoidable. The main thing about my actually speaking up yesterday is I realize now that God finally answered my fervent prayer. Yes, my speaking up and getting a flurry of negative comments in response turned out to be a blessing in disguise. God's last Word is that I must stay off of the site. I will qualify by saying that my activity on that particular site has been increasingly sparse over a period of a few months, weaning off of it has been somewhat of a chore. Disappointing? Yes. Still, God is good.
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I was married 2x, and in-between marriages I lived with a bad dude. The first marriage we were too young. The 2nd marriage hubby died, yet he was answered prayer, a good man. I've been a widow for awhile. I don't know if I should say this, kind of embarrassed. I mentioned in my above comment, about what happened to be my last conversation on a particular, conservative website, where a few men ganged up on me in a thread because of a comment I made. One of those persons was my hopeful love interest. He said the meanest thing! He called me a stupid shit. Dudes, dudettes, or whatever your persuasion, that's where I draw the line and I hope you do too. Some man I'm wanting to get to know calls me a stupid shit for an assertive comment I made, which was not uber-combative. It merely described my aversion to folks going off topic in a thread. I was also called a troll by one of the mods in this thread. Though I was considered of certain status on there, I'm being called names. That's where I draw the line, in this regard I'm a one-hit wonder, and my love interest won't get a 2nd chance. I will not involve myself with any man who suddenly reveals... surprise, surprise... that he thinks it's OKAY for him to hurl epithets at me. Also not appreciated were his mixed signals, which is what precipitated my reconsidering even being on that site anymore. I prayed that God give me discernment, wisdom regarding the place. And he did. God answers prayer, whether you appreciate His outcome or not. Although He's a loving God, he's also a stern Father and never an vicious Man, the latter which the Lord wishes for me to steer clear of. It feels good to pen my feelings regarding this man and the site in general, thanks for bearing with me as I heal. Perhaps what I write will resonate with any person on here who's wanting a certain someone, yet sees him/her/themselves being spoken down to by a potential. Do not put up with such crap, draw the line! I'm saying this to myself as much as anyone else who lends an ear... or an eye, as it were. Dear God, continue to show me what to do. In Jesus' name, amen.
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