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THE PRODIGAL SPEAKS..... I have chatted with several of you now about my departure from the path of righteousness that I embarked upon about 15 years ago. I put my hand to the plow, and intended to never look back. I followed after God with my whole heart, seeking his kingdom above all else. While seeking his kingdom, there were several verses that haunted me. Like the JOY of the Lord is our strength....I have had no joy, and I have had no strength. Like the concept of having the peace that passes all understanding, and letting that peace guide us. I have not experienced this peace yet, and am unable to be guided be it. I keep thinking it will come in time, it will come in time. But after 14 years of devotedly seeking his kingdom first, it never came. After years of seeking his will in prayers, I am yet to understand how to get an answer. Now don't get me wrong, I can feel God's presence at times. I am aware of his interventions at times. I am certain of his provisions through all my struggles. I pray. I wait for answers. But I just don't seem to have the depth of relationship I hear about, where God impresses any answers or direction on my heart. Again, I thought it would come in time, that I would learn how to discern his voice in my heart. But after 14 years, I still cannot hear him. Again, I can feel him sometimes, I know he is with me. I know I am known by the Lord of Lords and the King of Kings. It's like he is here, but we have a language barrier. This past year I gave up. I gave up on me. For the first time in 14 years, I said "Hey, this is sin, and I am going to jump into this pool headfirst and soak in it" I stepped off the straight and narrow path that the Lord laid before my feet, and went out to sin with open arms, looking for something, ANYTHING, to make me feel alive and whole. I am ashamed to admit that 14 years of seeking the lord, and I still did not feel alive or whole. So I gave up on me, I am out of strength to remain on His path, but I have not entirely given up on Him. My heart yearns for Him to show up, and take away my burdens, and clear my mind and heart, and somehow make everything better. My departing prayer is for God to leave the 99, and come find me, for I am lost. My departing prayer is that His strength, for the first time, be glorified in my weakness. That he come save me from myself. I expected wrath. I expected for my van to break down, irrepairably. For myself to be stricken with diseaase. For lightning stornms to take out my modem. I expected unforseen, freak things to come my way to hurt me. To punish me. To warn me to go back. To repent. But you know what?? In God's infinite kindness, he is showering me with mercy. With protections. Freak things for the GOOD are happening. God is blessing me. He sends me messages from people who love me. I don't understand this. I was set to face his wrath, and to take it all, yet He is being more patient and tender than ever with me. And I don't get it. I feel his presence with me. He has not forsaken me. He has not turned his back on me. I walked away from everything holy, and he has held me in the palm of his hand. I still don't have any answers. No resolutions for the things that drove me from His ways. I am still searching for any stimulation that will make me feel whole, that will kill the nothingness inside of me, that will get me out of bed on a daily basis. God has not chosen to fix me, but he is not letting me go, either. I just felt the need to tell you all that. Though I may turn my back on God's ways, HE HAS NOT LEFT ME. Nothing can seperate me from his love. Not even me. God is faithful when we are faithless. I don't understand a God this big. To forgive yourself is to give up hope for a better past |
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12/2/2011 8:09 am |
You forget the teachings... "die unto self"- what did you think was going to happen? "further human emotions and feelings?" You have learned nothing. Beware an angry God... As Paul Said...
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12/2/2011 1:24 pm |
Sienna, I will consider myself warned. Problem is, I never could gain wisdom without putting my own foot in the trap, lol. Right now, I feel invincible, whereas I can appreciate solid feedback, and yet reject the garbage that is sure to come my way. Or maybe I just feel cantankerous, and am looking for a fight Either way, I appreciate your concern, Thank you for looking out for me and passing your own hard earned wisdom onto me To forgive yourself is to give up hope for a better past
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I must agree with SiennaSun ptl4now you have already had the bullies visit your blogs...don't let them bring you down....you're wise and you'll figure it out. I'm in your corner. God bless
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